I’ve got so many Questions
many things I can’t deduce
Everyone thinks they’ve got the answers
And it makes me think, “What’s the use?
Must I believe everything they say,
Accepting what they say is true?
What if they’re wrong?
What do You think I should do?”
Maybe someday I’ll get the answers
to the questions that fill my mind
May not be now, or even tomorrow
Or after ten more years are left behind
Maybe I’ll get to ask You these questions
on the Day We finally meet
Maybe by then, my quest for understanding
will finally be complete.
Or maybe…
Maybe…
Maybe by then I would be overtaken
By your Awesomeness and Beauty
the Questions may just fade away
into mere inconsequentiality
Compared to You, my questions are nothing
just a chasing after the wind
‘Cause all I’ll need to know, You’ll tell me
So I can be all You made me to be.
You know what?
I think I’ll just start gazing at You right now.
(Originally written Jan 21, 2014)
Tag: questions
Drawing by His hands
Earlier today my sister’s family came over. And while playing with my 3-year old nephew, practising his writing and drawing, this conversation ensued.
BOY (my nephew): I want to draw Jesus.
UNCLE (me): Ok, here’s what we’ll do…
GRANDMA (my mum, not wanting us drawing Him wrong and blaspheme): Why don’t you draw something else?
ME: Don’t worry. I used to draw Bible characters.
BOY (who copies us every chance he gets): Yes, I used to draw Bible CARROTS!
And that’s where I lost it 😂
We’ve since drawn so many things together, from Jesus to angels to hands to cartoon carrots… I mean characters😉. It’s really my hand holding his, but he’s confident in knowing he drew them too. And when it’s something difficult we want to draw he asks me to draw with his hand.
It reminds me of how God works in us and through us. He does magnificent things through people that trust Him and place their hands in His. Things far beyond their abilities or limits, by His very Spirit alive in them.
Sometimes after he’s told me to help him draw something, he rebuffs my direction and turns humans into 5-eyed formless monstrosities, but he’s exploring his Creativity like I once did 😁 Looking at the mess he then asks for my help and we start again or modify it.
Reminds me how God is patient in teaching us. Our certainty that we know what’s best at the expense of what He says sets us back or delays us from getting to His good result many times. What looks best may not always be good or of God, you know.
And sometimes when we’ve decided what we want to draw, let’s say a face, we (I) may start with an eye. He asks what I’m doing ’cause it looks nothing like the face he had in mind. I just encourage him to be patient, that I know what I’m doing
Reminds me of God too. Some steps He leads us in may not look or feel like the end He told us about or that we were expecting. But have you trusted your life to Him? Is your hand in His; is He your Lord? Then you can trust Him to be with you through it all.
That’s the person who knows God is with them in the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23).
This person may pass through a valley of crying and turn it into a spring (Psalm 84).
Just like his/her Father Who makes rivers out of the wastelands (Isaiah 43).
Drawing with His hands.
My nephew’s in his inquisitive phase too so we’re answering questions almost every second. It’s fun and exhausting, but makes me grateful for our Heavenly Father who hears my every question, spoken and unspoken, and guides me into His wonder.
In His much larger world, some questions fade away. Some persist and lead me to more in Him. Some questions I may never get the answers to until I see Him face-to-face.
And you know what? Then He’ll be all that matters, because He always has been.
POST-SCRIPT
I cannot express just how much it means to me how you all pushed out my story, The Curious Case of Doctor Maundy. Thank you so much ❤️🤗. I hope it blessed you. And I hope to be even more of a blessing. God bless you, everyone.
Here’s a little secret just for you: God willing, there are even more amazing and deeper stories coming. Already been doing some research on the subject matter. Anytime you remember, say a prayer for me please.
Also, I hope these have sparked something grand in you. All of this is just a tip of what God can do.
In this and in coming weeks I plan to share some lessons I’m learning on my writing journey. If you haven’t already, follow this page so you’re the first to know.
And finally before I go, I recently had the privilege of writing a feature in The Journey to the Extraordinary for the #21stCenturyBibleStories series by the amazing Osetemega Iribiri. Check it out by clicking this link, and also share your stories in the information at the end. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium. You’ll be really glad you did.
Thanks for coming by!
The Curious Case of Doctor Maundy 002
A day ago.
“Yes, Lisa, of course I know where you live,” Eva said, balancing the land line between her ear and shoulder while simultaneously typing on her laptop.
“We’ve been living in the same town for five years, Eva. Five years, and you’ve barely even bothered to visit once.”
“We see at the mall.”
“Yeah, like that’s supposed to be normal … for family?!”
“I’m just busier than most, is all. Let’s trade jobs; you’ll get just what a real drag this is.”
On the contrary, Eva loved the seclusion her office afforded. Stationed at the end of the long botanical reserve they called the Greenhouse, she could work without disturbance while enjoying the fragrance of exotic plants and hybrids from across the world. The Centre was studying the medicinal and curative properties of these plants for experimental purposes and, while Eva felt this job was a dreadful waste of her capabilities, the isolation was heaven to her. If her plans turned out well she wouldn’t be stuck here for too long.
On the other end Lisa sighed. “I believe in you, Eva. I still believe you’ll find the cure to cancer or whatever it is you’re doing. But you gotta cut loose once in a while. Even genius needs fresh air. You won’t get that Nobel by cutting us out of your life.”
“I’m not cutting anybody off…“
Just then, Andy appeared at the open door, knocking slightly. She motioned towards the phone to indicate she was busy, but he held a wooden crate. That wooden crate.
Uh-oh.
“Lisa, I’m gonna have to call you back.”
“Yeah, that’s original.”
“I’m sorry, but I really really am busy this time.”
“As opposed to other times when you really weren’t?”
Eva winced. “I promise to call you back.”
Lisa sighed. “You just make sure you do that sometime before 2050, or you’re dead to me.”
“Give Kelly a hug for me, OK?”
“Sure, if she still remembers who you are by then.”
“Lisa! I really have to go now.” Andy was already by her desk, placing the crate on the table.
“Alright, alright. Just don’t … don’t go crazy on me, okay?”
Eva smiled. “Love you too, Lizard-Breath.”
“Wait, did you just—?“ Click.
She took her time placing the phone back in its cradle, considering how to explain the situation to Andy as the squeaking mice in the crates filled the silence between them for the moment. She had not planned for him to know about this yet. He wouldn’t understand.
“I can explain,” she said.
He arched a brow. “I’m not accusing you, Doc.” He motioned towards the crate. “I just found this.”
She really didn’t have time for whatever he was going for. “They’re lab mice,” she said. “Like that’s not obvious. It’s for a, uh, control experiment. Something I’ve been working on.”
He nodded slowly, but he still didn’t seem satisfied, and she really needed him to be convinced so he could get way off her back. He lifted a folder. “And I saw these delivery notes with the crate back in the greenhouse.” It was then that she realised he knew everything.
“You read that, huh?”
“Doc … I really hope you don’t mind me asking, but what’re you doing?”
“Like I said, it’s just an experiment.”
He took a seat. “Please don’t let it be what I think it is.”
“Andy,” she placed a hand on his. “Can you trust me on this one? Please? Just trust that I know what I’m doing, is all I ask.”
“Even if it’s dangerous?”
“Every new discovery was dangerous, possibly even illegal, once. Don’t make me feel like a monster for this.”
“Even if it could cost you your career? Or your life?”
“Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.” She pursed her lips. “Andy … you weren’t supposed to find out about this.” With the look he gave her she realised that had come out wrong. “I mean … ugh, you wouldn’t understand.”
“I’m begging you, Doc … you do not have to do it this way.”
“What do you mean, I don’t—!” Realizing her voice was rising, she lowered it to a whisper. “What do you mean, I don’t have to do this? If I don’t, somebody else would.”
“Then let them! Not you. Let’s say you get the grant. That’s another load on your plate. You’ve got so much already. What else do you need to prove? Not this way. This won’t be enough for you. You’ve got to let go sometime, Eva.”
She remained resolute, sitting up. “Mr Davies, I have given you much freedom and access to me. But let’s not forget who you are and who I am. You can’t tell me what to do, and I don’t have to listen to this. Got that? Now if you’ve got nothing to say, there’s the door. Don’t let it hit you in the butt on your way out.”
In all their time working together she had never needed to pull rank. There had always been an understood modicum of respect in the midst of everything. But now they were just not going to see things the same way.
He just sat there staring, his eyes still pleading. He eventually sighed. “I was going to get some coffee and head home. Wanted to know if you needed anything before I go.”
“I’m fine, thank you.” She turned back to her laptop, avoiding his gaze as he stood and headed out. She really didn’t know what to say, and she was not going to apologise for something she was convinced was not even a problem.
He paused at the door. “Take care, Doc.”
She didn’t bother to look up. “I always do.”
It would be their last conversation.
—–
Eva, now in cuffs and seated under a bright lamp in the dark, could still remember that day. She wished she could go back in time. “Andy was my assistant,” she said. “But he was also my friend. We worked together at the Greenhouse. It’s not actually green as in the colour. It’s—“
“I’ve been there.” the man said. “I know what a greenhouse is.”
“Yes, there’s thousands of exotic plants there. Hybrids from across the world. We collaborated on a lot of research, Andy and I. Did a lot of good. He was always quite nice. Wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s probably why we complemented each other. Where he would question things I was the push.”
“Your relationship was purely professional, yes?”
She stared at him dryly. “Get your head out of the gutter. He’s like … he was like ten years younger.”
He was actually gone. After a rollercoaster of a day, the reality of this fact was dawning on her more and more. It wasn’t just any dead body. It was Andy.
“I get that. So this young guy with big dreams comes into your world, he gets attached to your corner, and you work together. Ever feel threatened by him?”
“You’re trying to establish motive for homicide,” she said more as a statement to which he just spread his hands wide. “No. We were a team. Where I was the one pushing for new discoveries, pushing boundaries, he was the reality check. He did have big dreams, no doubt. He was just maybe a little too conservative for his own good. He needed me, and he knew it.”
He seem amused. “Have I ever complemented your flawless humility?” Ok, that one deserved at least a smirk from her. He cleared his throat. “So you pushed a number of boundaries.”
She bit her lip. “I admit I have a bit of a reckless streak sometimes.”
The agent flipped through the pages. “Yes, your colleagues testified as much.”
“Oh, really?”
“They did mention something about a spat you had with the dean, Professor Wildsmith, over a comment he made regarding your, uh, gender and your relevance at the STEM Colloquium last year.”
Did she remember! “He had it coming.”
“So … you’re telling me there was nothing you didn’t disagree with Andy about? No fights whatsoever?”
“None that I can remember.” But the one that she did remember was the very reason she was here. And she could feel the agent’s eyes all over her face, drinking in every tic and tell.
Ever since he told her about students exhibiting feral traits she knew that she had done this. How, she didn’t know, but she knew it must have come from her office. But every time she tried to remember what actually happened she drew a blank.
All she could remember was sitting at her desk one moment, and then the next moment finding herself with her office trashed, blood everywhere, and Andy dead. Oh, Andy…
Andy, why do you have to be always right?
“We found a crate in your office, and I assume it was for mice per the labelling. Was he complicit in your eugenics project?”
She tried to hold his gaze without giving away the panic building up. Why did she feel responsible for this even though she didn’t know how? “Mice?”
“Oh, it’s from the STN Foundation Grant. Something about a project on disease resistance, and with rats as your subjects. It was the most recent entry on your case, hence my interest. And Davies’ name was conspicuously absent from the by-line, unlike your other projects. Wasn’t he party to this one?”
She knew hiding information would never do any good. “He … wasn’t.”
“Mm, and what did he think about it?”
“I didn’t … I mean it’s not like we fought or argued about it. We don’t always have to collaborate. Our careers are mutually exclusive.”
“So he was fine with it?”
“He, uh … he was actually pensive about it.”
“How so?”
“He thought it was dangerous. He actually tried to stop me.”
“He ‘tried to stop you’?”
She looked up at him. “Ok, I realise the mad scientist vibe that must have given off. It’s not like that. But, he felt it was a bad idea.”
“And you didn’t.”
“Well I do, now.” It was as he looked up that she realised what she’d said and all it could mean. “I mean, h-his major hang-up was my bringing my pet project into the greenhouse, which is out-of-bounds to, you know, pets. No pun intended.”
“I got it.”
“I probably shouldn’t have done that.” She was leaving out a whole lot of relevant info, she just didn’t know whether it would further condemn her or vindicate her. “Now that he’s gone, I feel really bad about it. Our last conversation wasn’t our best.”
He’s dead, the world is going crazy out there, and even though you really don’t know how or why, this is all your fault, Eva!
It was still so bizarre to accept, let alone imagine. How? Why? And again, HOW?
Something nagged at her mind about the whole thing. Something that was very obvious but that was just beyond her sight.
The man turned a page in his notepad. “The work you’ve done is not as streamlined as usual. From botany to phytomedicine and disease control to climate change to biological immunity and infectious diseases…” He took a deep breath here. “And your most recent interest, Eugenics and the transformation of the human genome.”
She was fidgeting now, but tried to keep herself stable. “What can I say? I’ve got an eye for discovery. I’m science-y like that.”
“You’ve got quite an impressive range.” He looked up at her. “What’s your motivation?”
“Is this really necessary?”
“Please. Humour me.”
She shrugged. “It’s ‘cause I want to make the world a better place.”
“Seriously, Doctor.”
She stared at the table for a moment. “I think … it’s easier to say that I want to make the world a better place, and I really do. I mean, that’s a good thing. I want to save the world. There’s a lot I can do and that I want to do. I want to use my abilities to … stay at the cutting edge. And, of course, to make the world a better place. I’m sorry, hearing myself say all that makes me sound selfish, right? But then, who isn’t?”
“Did you feel selfish?”
“I don’t know. Andy felt I was trying to prove something; that I was pushing myself too hard. Now that I’m the one in a mess and he’s, you know … I don’t know if that makes him right.”
“Your mother passed away when you were 7,” he said, reading his notes. She hadn’t seen that detour coming. “Leukaemia. That must’ve been quite traumatic for you at that age.”
She kept staring at the table. “Well … yeah. That happened.”
“I’m truly sorry for your loss.”
“It is what it is.” She didn’t want to talk about this, and wanted to change the subject whenever the chance came up. “I barely even remember her now, so it’s fine.”
He kept staring at her with that apologetic stare that she had wanted to move on from all her childhood. “Was that what made you want to go into disease control? A deep-seated desire to take away what took your mother as a child?”
She hadn’t thought about that in a long while. “I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve always wanted to do—”
“I mean, your undergrad dissertation was a study on…” he checked his files. “An exploration of natural solutions, and an analysis of the ineffectiveness of chemotherapy in cancer treatments. And your case study? Leukaemia. Bizarre for a degree in botany.”
She shrugged. “So sue me. I got the degree.”
“Yes, and you’ve done well with it too. But you do get where I’m going with this, right?”
She really did not want to talk about this. “What is this? Some kind of therapy session?”
“Like I said before, I just need to know who I’m talking with. Call it a profile. We’re getting somewhere, aren’t we?”
“Are we? What’s this got to do with anything? If you’re right, lives are in danger out there and you prefer to waste the time contemplating our navels? And what’re you writing anyway?!”
He stopped writing. “Does not having control, or not knowing what is going on, tick you off?”
She clenched her fists. “What do you think?”
Actually, even before all of this, she had always been quite the perfectionist. Why trust things into other people’s hands when they could just mess it up? Getting Andy attached to her workstation had been a real pain, but the younger man had found a way into her space by persistence and his usually unbearably cheery disposition.
He turned the pages again, scribbling. “Got any other friends at your workplace?”
“Everyone’s got their own thing. We see when we see.”
“So no close friends. Except for Andrew.”
“I tend to be a bit … introverted, I think. I prefer the solitude of my work.” How Andy became a friend was more to his credit.
“But you like the accolades too.” She gave him a look. “Oh, I’m just speaking off of the framed awards in your office. You are reserved and introverted to the casual observer, but you are basically a torpedo. You see a good prospect and you go after it. And you’re proud of what you’ve accomplished.”
“What’s wrong with that? You make me sound vain. In my world modesty gets you nowhere. People respond to what they can see. I earned it so I flaunt. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.”
This line of questioning made her more nervous because it was only prolonging the inevitable. She was expecting the gavel to drop as quickly as possible, not to be recounting the story of her life.
He cleared his throat. “Alright then. So, tell me: why Eugenics? I’m not an expert, and the only thing I think of when I hear that word is Hitler and the Nazis.”
She snorted at that. Most people didn’t give themselves to do the reading to find out these things, and she loved to show them how much she knew. “We prefer the term Transgenetics. Hitler ruined a lot of concepts just by association. It’s not about killing people or making one race superior to others, as far as my work is concerned, anyway. It’s genetic progress for all humanity. The next step in our evolution.”
He folded his hands. “Really?”
“How do I put this? OK, do you know that many species have resistance to some diseases that plague us? OK, there’s this tumour-suppressing gene we call p53. There’s 20 times more p53 in elephants than humans, and only 5% of elephants die of cancer. Bowhead whales live up to 200 years, and molerats live up to 6 times the total lifespan of their sister species because of these death-defying provisions in their genomes.”
He smirked. “I have to say, you’re good. I feel I’m at a TED Talk. But please go on.”
“Yeah … but just think what would happen if we could modify the human genome. What if we’ve been short-changing ourselves by seeking help from beyond the stars when nature has already provided what we needed? A puzzle for us to figure out? What if immortality was possible and death didn’t have to be a problem anymore?”
She remembered discussing this with Andy. She was amazed how much remembering the things and moments they’d shared made her miss him even more, and it made the grief and confusion of it all pierce even deeper.
“If death could be hacked, sounds like every homicide would be moot,” he said. “Even this one.”
“Especially this one! Don’t you see? How could I say no to the prospect? What we could discover about ourselves. I mean, if He even exists, God sure didn’t ‘heal’ my mother, did He? What if we’ve just been deluding ourselves expecting some miracle, when the answer could have been in our hands all along? But we’re too stupid to even try to find out.”
“Speak for yourself.”
“Hey!”
“So we become immortal,” he surmised. “Become like gods?”
“Maybe not ‘Zeus and Hercules’ immortal. More like immune to diseases. Senescence could be delayed when aging is slowed down.”
“And if more diseases come up? Pathogens yet undiscovered?”
“Then we’ll just further the research and find an immunity in nature that the next generation would be enhanced to beat. Evolution in motion.”
“You seem really interested in all this.”
“Oh, you bet I am.”
“I understand that these genetic modifications are not legal—.”
“Yet. They’re not legal in the country yet. And I don’t see why.”
“The ethics, maybe? The risk to human life?”
“Gene enhancements are no different from the mind enhancements we all go through in education. Of course we’d need to examine the compatibilities of the enzymes or genetic codes we extract from other mammals, but we don’t even have the freedom to do that. We’re too stuck up behind religious bigots calling it a sin to ‘meddle with creation’. Too stuck-up to smell the science.”
“I take it you’re not a fan of religion.”
“Ethics aren’t the sole property of religion, but come on, are you kidding me? What kind of God would create more p53 in elephants than in humans and still expect us to believe He loves us still? I’m supposed to believe He’s got bigger problems to deal with in His ‘Big Plan’. God works in mysterious ways, so let’s forget how He lets people — good people — die for no reason. It’s a godforsaken world because there’s no way you look at all of this and still believe that a benevolent God exists.”
“Hmm…”
“Maybe if we did become immortal, this Big Plan would make the tiniest bit of sense to us because it’s clearly too complicated for our wee little minds to comprehend. Maybe then we’d understand what problems He’s facing up there that keep Him too preoccupied to show up when we need Him. Oh wait, He’s perfect in all His ways, so He’s got no problems whatsoever. How could He ever relate with ours?”
She wondered why the interrogator was bringing these thoughts and emotions to the surface. Or was she the one going beyond what he asked because of the emotional stress? The last time she had spoken about God this long was with her sister, and was probably the reason she tried to avoid visiting her too often. But she did have many hang-ups about the subject.
“Problems,” he repeated that word. “Like the problem of evil, or pain. Does immortality solve the problem of pain and evil?”
“I was being sarcastic. But what is evil? Who or what really determines morality? Why should I be kind to my fellow man except for self-preservation? You can’t possibly look at this messed up world and really believe there’s some big cosmic plan ‘cause that just makes it worse. There can’t be meaning. There’s no grand purpose. We only do enough to get by until it’s over. Nature is cruel and random, and the sooner we all realise that, the better.”
He tapped on the table. “You don’t really believe that. You make it sound like there’s no hope.”
She was still staring into space when she responded. “Hope is an illusion. It’s baseless.” She stared at her handcuffs. “We’ll be expecting the hour of release, but it’ll never come. Hope is just a fairy tale. This is where we die. This is where I die.”
He exhaled. “Come on, there has to be a reason you want to break that immunity code. If you’re going full-on nihilist, then why pursue something better?”
She was going to respond, but then the awkwardness of it all dawned on her. She was the suspect here, but somehow this man had made her leak. People were dying out there, and now she was arguing theology and reality. “Everything dies,” she said. “We’re all going to die someday, but we really don’t want to. Not just yet.”
The more she thought about it, the more alone she felt. She had had to come to accept the lack of a reason because she had tried to find it. If God was real, He’d really dropped the ball on making a big entrance. Life, the stars, the universe, all of it was meaningless. And temporal. It was all going to end someday, and that made it ugly. Beautiful in its intricacy, but ugly in its totality.
An image of Andy’s dying bleeding body flashed in her mind and it stung. What was she doing? “I don’t want to die either. I just want to live a little bit longer.”
It would be easier to gauge how this man was taking these things if she could see his face. All she had to go on were his body movements.
The man jotted again. “So the rats would be your test subjects.”
She sat back, deflated. This was an interrogation after all. “Mice,” she corrected. “We share a similar homology with the species – all supraprimates do. Makes them perfect for controlled studies.”
But something else wasn’t right. A lot was wrong in all this.
“Eva, don’t mind my train of questioning. But do you know where these mice are, right now?”
Another memory flashed in her mind. “The plan was to groom them in a facility off-campus. I had been collaborating with a foreign fledgling company over the past few months. I just got a delivery of the first batch for tests on Monday. It was in a crate. In the greenhouse.”
He glanced at a page. “You got this delivery from the Daemon Intelligence and Biological Logistics Office. You do realise that DIABLO’s a black market operation unrecognized by most legitimate institutions.”
She snorted. “Call me a snitch, but ask everybody. They all cut corners too. Nobody wants to admit it, but DIABLO’s the shortcut we all take. Go on, ask them.”
He was already shaking his head, probably bemused. “You really aren’t trying to make this easy for yourself.”
“I figure I’ve got nothing to lose.” But she felt light in the head so she held on to the table.
“I inquired with faculty, and usually the college has a perfectly available supply of equipment and facilities for studies requiring livestock testing. Why didn’t you go through those channels?”
She knew she was wrong here, despite the fact that she still felt somewhat right. “It would have been turned down. They don’t see what I see. Yet. And if I were to wait for the approval of the system the grant would’ve gone to someone else. We all want to do the right thing, mister, but sometimes bureaucracy is just a b—”
“But you did it anyway?”
“Yes … yes I did.” A screech. A snarl. What were these memories?
“Do you know what kind of mice you got, Eva?”
The mice. The crate. I opened the crate. She was remembering something. She felt cold all of a sudden.
The man closed his book and placed it on the table. “Eva, the only crate we found in your office was empty. The mice are gone.”
A slash. A bite.
A bite. She could remember that.
She turned to check her right leg but she couldn’t reach it. Only when she placed it against the chair did she feel the wound. It had clotted by now, but it proved this wasn’t a false memory. She had been bitten in the leg! I’m remembering.
And then she realised that she knew what had happened. When she looked at the man again she feared he could see the realisation dawn on her face.
“What would happen if those mice escaped from containment, Doctor?”
It all fell into place now. Her pulse quickened as the memory washed over her, but there was nowhere else to go. No doubt the man was seeing all of this. She had tried to evade everything about the experiment, but now it was glaring at her in the face.
“Are you OK, Eva?”
Dear God! The memories were piling on top of each other. She remembered. She knew.
Oh God! Oh dear God!
“Eva!”
She looked up, all the colour gone from her face.
“Eva, do you need a medic?”
Her eyes watered as the realisation of it all dawned on her. “I swear, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I didn’t know … I didn’t know…”
“Eva. I need you to tell me what you remember.”
“Those freaking mice bit me! I didn’t think that’s possible, but they did. I remember now.” Her fingers trembled and her efforts to keep them down didn’t help.
“Do lab mice do that usually?”
“They shouldn’t, right?” She swore under her breath.
“How many were there?”
“I don’t know, four? Maybe five?”
“And what happened after that?”
“I was … I felt dizzy, but it was … there was this rush. I remember toppling through my office. I remember falling to the floor.” She looked up at him. “That’s all I remember. I don’t know what happened after that. You don’t think … Oh my God!”
“So you’re telling me that the mice bit you, and you lost consciousness? Is this like a rabies thing?”
If she didn’t realise before that she was in big trouble, she did now. “Oh my … I don’t know what happened! I really don’t!”
He didn’t argue. “I believe you, Eva. I need you to understand that.”
She nodded frantically. She wished this was all a dream. Maybe this was just a dream.
But the man opened another folder and slid some photographs to her. “This is from security cam footage. We’ve always known.”
Security Cameras?! She didn’t know there were cameras in her office.
From these pics the cameras were most likely in the corners of the ceiling. The time stamp at the bottom matched the timing of the incident. Her office was trashed, framed photos hanging at odd angles, the table toppled on its side, and papers strewn all over the floor. But the one image that drew her attention and crushed whatever spirit she still had left was of the hunched beast at the centre of this mess, its face turned up at an angle. Its very posture was an affront to nature. Its clothes were the only giveaway of its nature because she could remember the very day she had bought it on a splurge run three years ago.
She was a monster.
Somewhere in the back of her mind she had always known, but it all felt like a distant fantasy, a crazy thought that just would not shut up. But facing this reality was more than she could bear.
She tried to lift her hands to her face but the chains stopped short. There were more pictures showing her at different angles.
There are more of me out there. There is more of this out there!
But in the midst of the shuffling and reordering of memories, emotions and realisations, what hammered the final nail in her heart was the one picture that showed a young man standing by the open door. Andy.
I killed him.
She could remember blood flying everywhere. She could remember his body.
Her pulse thumped in her neck. She could barely breathe. He stared at her hands again. Her nails. “What have I done?”
“We knew that you needed time for your mind to relax, so you could remember every detail,” the interrogator said solemnly. “That’s why we did this.”
But she wasn’t all there anymore. Her mind was crowded with so many thoughts she could barely think. “What have I done?!”
“The trauma caused you to subconsciously lock up some details. We needed you on the same page with us before we could make any progress.”
She knew she was guilty. She had killed him. Dear God, she had killed Andy! “Oh my God—“
“Doctor, please I need you to calm down.”
Her head weighed heavy on her as the pain of the shock racked through her skull. “I can’t do this. I knew, I just knew, but … I didn’t really know. Oh my God, I’m in so much trouble…”
“Everyone’s in trouble, Eva! Please try to calm down and think. What details are we missing?”
“The mice. They could’ve escaped from the greenhouse, maybe?”
He took notes. “It’s a start. You think they’re the hosts of this thing? Are they contagious? If they infected you and all those students out there, that changes a lot of things.”
“What if they’re still out there? What if other people get infected? No one is safe!” She swore again. “What kind of mice did those people send to me?!”
“Have you worked with this species before?”
I did this…
Oh my God! I actually caused this! All along she thought she had an edge over this interrogation. But now she realised that she was a ticking bomb, and many more people were going insane. Or worse.
She let the tears flow freely. The snarky comments weren’t coming anymore. You really did it this time, Eva.
“I didn’t mean to torture you with this, Doctor. This is a day of Truth, and Truth isn’t always comfortable. Now that everything’s on the table, literally, we can finally get somewhere.”
She couldn’t stop staring at her hands.
Murderer! You’re a bloody murderer! And now the world is going insane because of you!
“Eva, are you listening to me?”
You’ve doomed all those people. You killed Andy.
“Eva, could you look at me? Eva?”
She tried to, past her tear-filled eyes.
“Everything is going to be OK.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because, as far as we know, you’re the only person that has been infected and has returned to sanity. If we can figure out how or why, perhaps we can fight this thing and save the day. Would you like that, Eva?”
The Curious Case of Doctor Maundy 001
“Providence State College remains on lockdown as reports keep pouring in of the spread of what has only been described by the administration as a ‘deadly virus.’ The college remains largely quarantined with every gate and entryway sealed off by security officials…”
Every screen in the lobby was reporting on the same incident. It had been much of the same coverage for the past day and all through last night, and they weren’t any closer to solving this it seemed. The man straightened his jacket and continued beyond the lobby. The two guards, Mitch and Briella, stood by the door at the end of the hall. He nodded to them in greeting.
“How’s she doing?” he asked.
Mitch winced, motioning towards the two-way mirror behind him. The room beyond was dimly lit, except for the overhead lamp right over the suspect. Her eyes were shielded from his gaze by the glare of the light in her glasses. She was seated, wrists cuffed to the table but with chains long enough for limited mobility. The tray of food and water on the table remained untouched.
“We did everything you requested,” Mitch said. “She refused to eat.”
“And has she said anything?”
“Not a word,” Briella said. “Her only request was to use the loo.”
“I don’t blame her. She’s been through a lot already.” It was time. He palmed the briefcase in his hand and reached for the door handle. “Let’s see how this goes, then.”
The woman at the table looked up suddenly as he walked in. The circles around her eyes and the shadows cast on her face framed her gaunt appearance. Her hair was in rough tangles and she looked like she hadn’t slept in days. It had only been about 24 hours.
“Doctor Maundy,” he said as he approached. “We haven’t been properly acquainted.”
Despite her dishevelled countenance, her indifferent gaze was enough to make a less secure person feel like a minor inconvenience. “Which one are you?”
Confrontational, he noted. A defensive measure. He stopped at the table. Right now she would not be able to make out his face in the dark. He wondered how long it would take her to recognise his voice. “Sorry, you can’t see my face right now. My identity is … classified. You know how it is.”
“I’d shake hands too, but…” She lifted her cuffed fists but they stopped short over the table, the chains dangling in her wake. “You know how it is.” She smirked.
Humour, he mused. Looked like they were off to a good start.
“Are these really necessary?” she still held up her cuffed wrists.
He sat in the chair. “You tell me,” he said. “I trust Officers Mitch and Briella have been good hosts.” He motioned towards the food in her plate. “It’s not poisoned, you know. We don’t do that here—”
“I’m not hungry.” She set her hands on the table now, pushing the tray away.
“At least take some water. They tell me you haven’t spoken in hours.”
“I had nothing to say.” She didn’t seem interested in any of this. But she was talking, thankfully.
He smiled. “Fair enough.”
“I want my lawyer,” she said. ”If you’re going to make me talk, I want a lawyer present.”
“Funny story. I would’ve brought you that present but then … you’re not a lawyer.” He’d thought it was a good joke, but she didn’t even react.
He leaned back in his seat. “Doctor Maundy, I know you are upset. Maybe even scared. But believe me when I say that … with the craziness going on out there, and the charges against you now, it’s in your best interest to consider me not only as judge and jury, but also your counsel.”
“Why don’t you go ahead and throw in ‘executioner’ to that list? Heck, is this even legal? Who are you, anyway?”
She really doesn’t know. “I don’t think you understand. See, if this leaves my desk and my offices, there’s no way you’re getting out of this mess. Right now, I am your only friend. It would do us both a lot of good if you understood that, and cooperated. We don’t have much time.”
She still eyed him cautiously. “So you’re supposed to be the ‘good cop’?”
“Will you trust me, Eva? Can I call you Eva?”
“So we’re chums all of a sudden?”
He refused to take the bait, but a cynical response was better than none. She was not making this easy. “Will you tell me everything?”
“I gave the cops my statement. What else do you want me to say?”
He exhaled, reaching for his briefcase. This wasn’t going how he’d hoped.
“Can we just get this over with and get me out of these chains?”
He pulled out her statement and scanned through it. “You seem pretty sure that you’re getting out of this.” That actually got her to keep quiet. He’d thought it would. “But, like I said, it’s really up to you now.”
She scowled and definitely rolled her eyes this time. She was every bit a child of the ‘80s.
He placed an audio tape recorder on the table and hit RECORD.
“Didn’t know they still made those,” she mumbled.
“Call me old-fashioned,” he said as he cleared his throat. “Let the record show that today is Thursday, April 9, 2020. This is the secondary review of case file one-oh-nine-dash-five in respect to Eva Louise Maundy and her role, or lack thereof, in the Providence Incident…“
She was shaking her head, looking away again.
He leaned back in his chair, folding his legs. “Are you nervous, Dr Maundy?”
“No?” She raised her voice, probably trying to make it a moot point. She glanced at the recorder. “No I’m not. You try sitting here for hours and see how this feels.”
She kept avoiding his gaze, but there was nothing else she would see in the darkness around.
“I’ll cut right to the chase,” he said. “Right now you’re the most important person in the State. No one out there knows what’s really going on, and everybody wants to talk to you—”
“Careful there, mister, or you’ll make me blush.” Her face was still devoid of emotion.
“Now I know you’re coming out of a very traumatizing experience so I won’t pressure you. We can settle all of this right here, right now, and hopefully save many. I want you to know that I have your best interest in mind, so talk to me. OK? Why don’t we begin with you telling me about yourself? I want to know you.” He placed another file on the table. “Pretend I’m meeting you for the first time.”
She smirked, leaning back in her seat. “What, you trying to ask me out, mister?”
He smiled in spite of himself this time. “Doctor Maundy, I need you to take this seriously.”
She shrugged. “Ok—”
“No, do you get what’s going on? I get that you’re using this cynical sarcastic … whatever-this-is to annoy me, but I need you here — body and mind. People could die, Doctor. There’s not much time.” Now her eyes actually registered the shock he was looking for. He didn’t mean to scare her, but the more open she was to the gravity of the moment, the better. “Now I need you to be serious and answer my questions. Is that clear, Doctor Maundy?”
Now she was more sober. She clearly didn’t know the gravity of the problem, and he was contemplating how to ease her into it. She nodded. “Crystal.”
He motioned for her to go on.
She exhaled, lowering her head. He hated forcing her to do this, especially with the pain she’d experienced over the past twenty-four hours, but whether she realised this or not, she needed this as much as the hundreds out there. She nodded towards the briefcase. “Anything you want to know about me is in your dossier already.”
He nodded, glancing at the open briefcase and files on the table. “Smart. Now you were originally Eva Adams, yes?” She squinted at him, incredulous. “It’s for the recording.”
“Adams was my father’s name. Never knew him. Maundy’s my mother’s.”
“Sorry for asking, I understand it’s a sore subject.”
“And before you mention Harrison, he was a mistake. We’re divorced. Moving on…”
There was really no need to go that route so he allowed that. “Your Bachelor’s in Botany, but you got your PhD in Epidemiology and Infectious Diseases from Penn State.”
“I’m aware of my history.”
“Yeah, congratulations. For the sake of the recording, let’s just stick to yes and no answers, OK genius?”
“Deal.”
“Until yesterday, you worked as lab supervisor at the Centre for Microbiology and Infectious Diseases in Providence State College. You were caretaker of the Experimental Greenhouse.”
She looked up, a question on her face. “Until yesterday? Am I fired, officer?”
“It’s pending review.”
“Great,” she muttered.
His voice droned on as he read. “Published in up to ten peer-reviewed international journals. Quite commendable. You’ve spoken at conferences on subjects varying from environmental to technological influences on disease control…” He flipped a page. “…with a note of recommendation from the Societe Transgenetique de Nouvele Foundaçion.”
Her head had been lolling at an angle in boredom, her eyes betraying her indifference, until now. “I never heard back from them.”
“That’s true, you haven’t been online all day. You got a mail two hours ago. Apparently you got the grant you applied for.”
For a moment, a glint of apprehension actually flashed in her eyes. But it was only for a moment before it was replaced with the indifferent act she was putting on. He sensed that there was more. What trauma was she trying to avoid thinking of? Even more importantly, why was she trying to hide?
Her official photograph attached to the dossier was strikingly different from how she looked now. The smile of the lady in the picture shone in her eyes and her hair was neatly arranged in a top-bun. She was standing in her lab coat, with her arms folded. Very unlike the dishevelled cynical crestfallen lady before him. What happened to you, Doctor Maundy?
“That is,” he continued, palming through the pages. “If, and only if, we get you out of this case in one piece. Because, Doctor Maundy, this bit doesn’t look good on you.”
She smirked. “Like I care about my looks now—?”
“Eva, are you taking any of this seriously? Because I want to help you out here—”
“And what if I don’t want to be helped?” She slammed her fists on the table, sending her plate and the remaining nuggets to the ground. For a moment that’s where their gazes went, to the scattered grains and the spilled water spreading on the floor. The room was still but the rising tension was so thick you could slice it. She looked up at him. “What if I don’t need your help?”
Perhaps they had been too forward about this. “Would you prefer to see a therapist instead, Doctor?”
She shook her head. “Just get me out of here. The electric chair’s gotta be better than this.”
He sighed, bowing his head. Whatever this lady had done, she was as much a victim of it. He bit back every other comment he could have made. “Let’s start over.” He reached for the tape recorder, snapping it off. “Without this old thing.”
She scoffed. “Right, like you expect me to believe we’re not still being recorded somehow.”
He smiled, stealing a glance back at the two-way mirror beyond which Mitch and Briella were definitely having a laugh. “You didn’t get that PhD for nothing, I can tell you that.”
“And don’t you forget it.” She was smiling weakly now though she avoided his gaze. “Sorry I flipped out.”
“It’s OK.”
“I’m not usually like this, you know.”
He glanced at the smiling face in the folder in his hand. “I can imagine.”
“This isn’t me. The past day has been … I’ve just…” She lowered her gaze. As she exhaled he could tell that whatever was broken inside her was finally leaking. Was she actually going to talk now? She took a deep breath. “It’s messed up. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. It’s like … it’s like I’m outside this body and I’m just watching my whole world spin out of control, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Do you understand that? Do you get what I’m going through?”
He nodded slightly. “Eva, I’m not trying to get you in any more trouble.”
“Can you imagine what it’s like to just, all of a sudden, find yourself with bloodied hands, and your … a … a dead body right in front of you? And now I’m a murderer? A-and I don’t even remember anything that happened! Do you know how violated I feel? And now I’m going to jail for this?!”
Her written statement, where she’d said as much, was in his hands. Considering her amnesiac line was what had opened the door to this particular investigation. He measured his words carefully. “Then why did you run?”
“Why did I run? What else was I supposed to do? There was a body in front of me! Security was asking questions all over the place. I didn’t know what to do!”
That was the second time in a row that she’d referred to the deceased as a ‘body’, he noted. Either she had not been able to accept the personal loss, or she was simply refusing to acknowledge it as a coping mechanism due to the trauma.
“Why don’t you just shoot straight?” She stared over her glasses now, her eyes red from all the stress. “Forget the theatrics for now. Ask me what you really want.”
He winced, staring between her and the file in his hand. He pursed his lips before he read. “Andrew Davies.” He saw her visibly shrink when she heard the name. She had dreaded this, but there really was no way out of this but through. “25 years. Teaching assistant on attachment under your supervision. Do you know this person?”
He could see the tension in her throat veins as she built up the confidence to respond. “Yes. We … worked together. Three years now.” She still avoided the obvious.
“His body was found in your office yesterday, gutted and with multiple lacerations. Reports place you in the same vicinity. Blood splatters in the room were also found on your person by the time first responders got there.”
She was shaking her head already, eyes shut, muttering silently.
“What’s that?”
He heard a sob, despite her attempts to hide it. “I didn’t do it. Whatever it is you think I did, it wasn’t me!”
“DNA results match. It was his blood, Doctor Maundy.”
“It wasn’t me! I don’t understand what happened, I don’t know who it was, but it wasn’t me.”
“You do realise how that sounds, right?” He closed the file and placed his hands on the table, folding his fingers in. “Doctor, I could’ve said that I believed you, but it doesn’t help you one bit.”
Her eyes were red now. “Please…”
“Either way we slice it, we’re looking at a homicide. I want to hear your story. We have reasons to believe that this is more than it appears. If we say you didn’t do it, then we have bigger problems because that doesn’t exonerate you. We still have to account for the blood in the room. But if, and just go with me here, if we consider the other possibility that … maybe you didn’t have full control of your body and mind for those few minutes… it gets us somewhere because—“
“I didn’t do this…”
He didn’t have a better way to ease her into it, so he just went full tilt. “Perhaps you should listen to this.” He switched the tape recorder from ‘RECORD’ to actual radio and the reports came pouring in.
“…a total lockdown on information on the particular nature of what is going on in Providence, giving rise to rumours and bizarre reports. The most popular of these peaked with the upload of the now viral graphic video from a student’s TikTok account. It depicts her roommate exhibiting feral and possibly rabid behaviour. The hashtag, #Werewolves has been trending on social media all night long, with accompanying pictures and…”
He turned the dial. This one had a man’s voice. “…on all parents to compel their wards to stay indoors. I repeat, stay indoors. We don’t know where the infected are at the moment, or just how far they have spread. We have no idea if and/or how this is being transmitted. This is not as contained as you think. They could be anywhere. They could be right where you a—“
He turned it again. This time it was a young student that sounded stoned. “…like in the movies, man. It’s like those zombie apocalypse flicks or some sh—“
And another station. “… She’s not there anymore. I don’t know who that is, but that’s not the Cindy I know. She wouldn’t do something like this—”
And another. “…‘werewolves’, for lack of a better term, frothing at the lips, mauling their colleagues, destroying and vandalizing the college. These students are out of their minds…”
Her face was contorted in confusion at the frantic voices she was hearing. It felt refreshing to see someone untouched by the incident thus far receiving its news for the first time. It probably still sounded like something from the world of myth and Twilight to her, and that’s how it had sounded to everyone else too once before. Before their innocence was stripped away and fear had taken its place. For Eva, all of this had only been about a homicide. She didn’t know just how much bigger the problem really was.
He turned it off.
“What’s going on?”
“There may be a chance that what may have affected you may have had more than a localised effect. And it may be spreading. Call it a virus, call it hysteria, MPD, or even demons and sorcery – whatever it is, it’s spreading like crazy.”
“No…”
“Around the same time as your ‘incident’ occurred, we had an increase in bizarre behaviour among students and staff. Got people with … animalistic tendencies. Frothing mouths, clawing with their nails, growling and snarling like beasts. The world’s gone crazy out there, Eva.” With each new revelation she seemed to cringe even more. He could see her facial expressions alternating between disbelief and shock.
He pulled out his iPad, flipped to the trends page and slid it over. “It’s everywhere now.”
She really didn’t know what had been going on, and her widening eyes as she scrolled through the posts and videos gave away her shock. “It’s gotta be a prank. It has to be…”
“In the space of 24 hours we’ve had reported cases of almost 300 students becoming these … monstrosities. We’ve got our smartest trying to figure out what’s happening.”
She looked up at him, probably expecting this to be a trick. But it wasn’t. “You’re saying this is what happened to me?”
“I’m saying that it’s possible.”
“And this is going on out there? Right now?”
He nodded.
“It can’t be…” Her voice was a little above a whisper.
“I’m afraid it is. Right now they’ve got a couple of the infected on tranqs and are examining them for signs of cause and chances of recovery. Best we’ve got so far is an inflammation of the brain tissue and a degeneration of neurons. This could get worse before we even have a handle on what’s going on. Now, Doctor Maundy, I know you’re thinking about your dead assistant but do you see the big picture now? Not only should your expertise be able to sort through this mess, but I also need to know. Do you have any idea how this all could have happened?”
Her face was still overwritten with confusion at the madness she had just been exposed to, but she still looked up at him. “No. No I don’t.”
He understood the pain she must have gone through to dig through those memories over and over again, right in front of him. He knew how difficult it must have been for her to hear how this had escalated, and how difficult it must’ve been to respond under tension.
And that’s why he also knew that, this time, she was lying.
The Curious Case of Doctor Maundy
Eva Maundy finds her assistant dead, and she’s the sole suspect. Questions uncover mysteries and dark things come to light. Perhaps she’s not as innocent as she thinks. There’s more at work here than meets the eye.
This story is sure to leave you with lots to think about. And, despite its somber tone and tense scenes, I actually had a lot of fun writing this one.
It’s a reminder that in the midst of the dark and uncertain times we find ourselves in, God has not left us and is very much with us. His Light shines, still. He makes it beautiful.
Read online here:
My Curious Case: A (lotta) word(s) from me
Or if you’d rather read it offline and in your own time, you can DOWNLOAD the full story in PDF, EPUB , MOBI or LIT formats
Here’s what some readers said…
“I love the book! I love the scriptural undertones. I love the scenes. I love everything.”– Oyinkansolami
“It’s a very beautiful one. I really did enjoy and appreciate how it reminded me of Christ’s love in a fascinating manner. Excellent!”
– Esther
“It got me curious. At first I thought I was reading the movie Interrogation, then Resident Evil, then I thought to myself this is the movie Evan Almighty or could it be Passion of Christ? It is suspense-filled with an explicit message. And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”
– Anu
“…this is different. Wow!!! The twists and turns in the story were intriguing. It shows grace, forgiveness and a whole lot of things. Also, so timely.”
– Joana
“You really can’t separate me from a good book. It’s the best Easter story I read in years.”
– Dr Adeyemo
“This story is full of thought, well done. It’s funny how we chase for the cure of human virus but postpone getting rid of sin because there is no physical devastating effect. At this time when we celebrate the death and resurrection of our Lord, may we continually cling to the redemptive power in this body and blood shed for salvation. Well done.”
– Osetemega
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(Photo of woman in glasses by Elina Krima from Pexels)
Emmanuel Onimisi 